The wooden desk in the office has a shimmer of glamour to it with the radiating light from the giant windows behind it.  The view is from an urban fantasy.  A man sits in his large overstuffed leather chair.  His hair is not quite grey, and his eyes are as fierce as ever.  He’s well put together.  His suit must have cost thousands, not to mention his jewellery.  He has the look of a boss, a look circa that of a 1980s power executive.  His teeth glow a bleached white, and his wrinkled leathery skin has the dark lustre of rust; a beautiful dualistic contrast.

“Your one o’clock is here to see you,” buzzes the phone.

“Send him in.”

A young man enters.

“Leo!  Come in!  Have a seat!”

Small talk is exchanged politely, but it doesn’t take long to get down to business.

“So, I’ve been going over your file.  Your agent has really been pressing me to review you.  I have to tell you, I love you, you’re great, and your acting couldn’t be better.”

“Thank you,” says the young man timidly, almost in a whisper because of his nervous dry mouth. 

“The fact of the matter is you’re just not in the gossip columns.  No one’s asking, what’s DiCaprio doing with his life?  You’re not putting yourself out there enough.  I understand that you’re a talented actor, but that isn’t enough.  You have what, three Oscar nominations?”

“Yes, sir.”

“See, you have the talent.  You just need to change your image.  You need a new lifestyle.  From now on, don’t think of yourself as Leonardo DiCaprio, think of yourself as the super celebrity you want to be.  You need to start acting like that person.  You need to be drunk, you need to be belligerent, you need to be a disgrace.  That’s how you become big in America.”

Leo sinks down in his chair, submitting to his personal disgust in his own failure.

“Look what I did with Robert Downey Jr.  He was a good actor, just like you, but wasn’t getting the fame he wanted, so he came to me.  I got him on drugs, I got him in fights, I got him women, I got him in the tabloids, I got him his wildest dreams.  Now look at him.  Just between you and me, do you know who they’re going to cast as lead in the newest Oscar guarantee World War II epic?  My man, R. D. Jr.  Look how big he is now.  He did his time in the gutter, but now look at him.  He’s the hottest thing in this town.  He makes Brad Pitt look like a washed-up hasbeen.”

“I dunno, sir.  I’m just not sure I want to do that with my life.” 

“Listen kid, I’ve been in this business since it became a business.  I can help you become the idol you’ve always wanted.  You just have to listen to me.”

Leo stays silent for a moment.  His brow furrows deeply and as a result his eyebrows raise.  His face shows just how intensely he’s thinking. 

One moment.  Two moments.  Three moments.

“Alright, sir, what exactly do you want me to do?”

Leo shuffles forward to the edge of his chair and leans in towards the desk.

“That’s what I like to hear.  First thing, go out womanizing.  I want you to sleep with everyone from Amy Winehouse to Zsa Zsa Gabor.  I need you to be a real playboy.  Then, get into drugs.  I don’t mean marijuana, I mean the hard stuff.  Don’t over do it though, the last thing we need is a fatal O.D.  If you can do a small O.D. that would work out the best in our favour, so try to do that.  Next, you need to get married to someone, not quite a nobody, but definitely not a somebody.  Let it last a year, no, six months, and get caught cheating.  We want women to think you’re scum.  We want the women to hate you, but the men will love you.  Don’t worry about the divorce; we’ll set prenups and all that up when the time comes.  If you can, have kids with the woman.  It’d be best if they’re girls, but either way, name them something stupid, pick a random word, a noun, an adjective, it doesn’t matter.  Now, the next step is where you come back smelling like roses.  After the divorce you go on a long vacation, no movies, nothing, just stay out of the public eye.  When you come back, you have a new woman, a real dime of a girl.  You propose to her, and settle down.  Now the women will love you again.  Then the offers will be rolling in.  You’ll get everything from comedy to drama to sc-fi.  You’ll be nominated for, and win the Oscar for best lead actor in 2014.  That is, if you start doing this stuff right now.”

Leo is now perched in his chair.  His mouth grins as his eyes shine with the glitter of gold.  He can picture the dollar bills, the women, the fans, the idolization, the intoxicating high of his upcoming voyeuristic life.

“Now, go out there and start doing what I’ve told you.  If you do, you’ll be a member of the celebrelite in no time.”